Anybody who's ever spent any time on myspace has seen a survey. Judst a bunch of (usually) random questions, and most of the time, the survey answerer goes with one word answers. I, however, view them as a chance for bad taste and over the top fun! All answers are tongue-in-cheek, except the ones that aren't, of course.
What is in the back seat of your car right now?Holy shit….it’s a dead girl scout! Who the hell would’ve expected that? I mean, a prostitute, sure, but a girl scout? Fuck no, that’s not my gig at all.
Name 3 people who made you smile today?Bam Bam, the furry orange hunter; FiFi Amsterdam; all of the 15 year old looking single moms that walked by the house today with their 3 kids. I smiled because I have no connection whatsoever with any of them.
What were you doing at 8 am this morning?Shakin’ and pissing while curled up in the fetal position. Same as I always sleep.
What were you doing 30 minutes ago?Buying crack from a priest in a dark alley.
What is your favorite board game?The one where you use the board to hit the smug asshole sitting across from you that just won the game.
What is the last thing you said aloud?I was singing along with a song by TISM, called “ I’m on the drug that killed River Phoenix”. It has quite a catchy chorus, I find.
What is the best ice cream flavor?White choclate with brownies and raspberries from Coldstone Creamery. Otherwise, blod clot is good, if it’s from Baskin and Robbin’s, and all of the grocery stores carry Kitten Innards N’ Marshmallows, so I’m good there. Oh, and Dairy Queen’s Chocolate Aborted Fetus Crunch Blizzard is incredible!
What are you wearing right now?Insect Repellant, paint, and cat hair.What was the last thing you ate?A mouse the cat caught for me. I didn’t wanna let it go to waste and hurt his feelings.
Have you bought any new clothing items this week?Nope. I stopped by a garage sale ( not the fish tank yard sale, a different one) a block or so away since they were nice enough to put their damned garage sale sign in my yard, I figured I ought to go see if they were selling crap or what. Despite the sign they pounded into my lawn that claimed there was a air conditioner and a couple other marginally interesting things, all they had were clothes. Really, really shitty clothes. The kind of clothes the salvation army throws directly into the dumpster. So no, I didn’t buy any clothes. Homeless naked people wouldn’t buy those clothes.
What's the last sporting event you watched?I watched a white dude chasing a few black guys down the street…no…wait. That was some Olympic track thing.
If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?China, where I was round up a few hundred children and open a sweatshop and then soon be rich beyond my wildest dreams.
Who is the last person you sent a message on myspace?Fuck, I dunno. But whoever it was, they’re goddamned lucky to hear from me.
Ever go camping?My power was out for 19 fucking days thanks to the ineptitude of DTE and State Farm. I didn’t camp, I lived like a goddamned pioneer. I might as well have been Amish.
Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?Turds. A shitload of turds. I make ‘em, I hear ‘em plop, and then I press the handle to wash ‘em, and they’ve always disappeared by the time I reach in for ‘em.
Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?No, I save my smiles for charming the pants off of women and adorable puppies, I can’t begin to spare them on the computer.
Do you drink your soda from a straw?I prefer to use the spinal column of a recently slain raccoon, but yes, I do.
What did your last text message say?Beats me. I’m awful at checking texts. And I’m awful at it because my phone’s older than an antique and I’m a shitty, shitty, shitty nine button typist. I’m a shitty typist anyhow, but I’m even shittier that way. And if I read a text I feel obligated to reply, and I don’t want that responsibility anyhow, and I sure as shit don’t want it when I’m faced with typing too.
Are you someone's best friend?I’m the best friend a LOT of people have, whether they know it or not.
What are you doing tomorrow?Drugs. Lots and lots of fucking drugs. I’ve invited the crack selling priest and the meth dealing kindergarten teacher over and we’re gonna line up all our stuffed toys and have ourselves a lil’ tea party.
Where is your mom right now?Well, I suppose that depends entirely on context. If we’re dealing with the spiritual, then we have to take into account the opinions of everyone as to what occurs to the dead, toss out the views of morons, and then flip a coin really, over and over, until we’ve eliminated all remotely reasonable possibilities in head-to-head coin combat.
Look to your right, what do you see?Bam Bam the orange mouse (well, the mice aren’t orange, the cat is) hunting wonder cat, snoozing away.
Ever ridden on a roller coaster?Yeah, but my favorite ride at Cedar Point will still always be the Epileptic…jumpin‘ on one of those while they twitch berserkly is unbelievable..
Have you ever had your heart broken?Broken, crushed, ground up, fed to a fat kid that vomited, swallowed by a bird, regurgitated into a baby bird’s mouth, and then shit onto a windshield at high speed.
Do you have a dog?Nope, fucked one once though. Back in college. Not proud of that either, even though every kid in college experiments with bestiality.
Last person you talked to on the phone?I don’t talk on the phone. I’m bringing back Morse code, I refuse to let it become a dead language that only Catholics use, like Latin.
Have you met anyone famous?A good chunk of music fucks and a few actors. Lots of low level “going through their 15 minutes” types, too.
Any plans tonight?You’re reading ‘em right now. That and drinking. Which isn’t so much a plan than it is a what I’m doing right now already.
Are you happy?The booze is beginning to kick in, so yes, or I’m close enough for now anyhow.
Where are you right now?In front of a computer. Where in the else fuck could I possibly fucking be?
Biggest annoyance in your life right now?Just how pure, 100 fucking percent idiotic that last question was.
Last song listened to?I’m not sure. It’s on some sort of promo mix CD thing that was sent to the radio station. I dunno who it is or the name of the song, but holy shit, does it ever suck.
Last movie you saw?Star Wars: Clone Wars. The things parents endure because they love their kids.
Are you allergic to anything?Idiots. Christ, am I ever allergic to idiots. You might say, “No Mark, that’s not a REAL allergy. REAL allergies involve itching and sneezing and other physical symptoms”. I say bullshit to that. I’d rather itch and sneeze than put up with idiots.
Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?I’ve these odd looking Japanese tennis shoes I got in Toronto. They look like bowling shoes. And they’re the Most Comfy Shoes EVER. Seriously, I’ve walked miles in them at a time, and when I took them off my feet sighed and asked me to put them back on.
Is anyone jealous of you?If they are they really ought to give suicide a good, long thinking over.
What time is it?Time for another drink. This bottle ain’t gonna empty itself.
Do any of your friends have children?Most of my friends act like children. That’s why they’re my friends. We’re on the same level. And, we’re all down wit’ pickin’ up on the babes at da’ playground, yo’.
Do you eat healthy?Only if my friends bring over their children. Kids are packed with nutrients.
Do you hate anyone right now?No, but give me a minute, I can think of someone and turn it on, I’m sure.
How many kids do you want to have?2. I don’t know if I can eat any more than that unless they’re really skinny.
Have you ever been to six flags?Nah, we were poor. We went to one flags. All we did was spin around in circles while knuckle rubbing our eyes. My parents told me it was like seeing fire works, too. Liars.
How did you get one of your scars?Attacked by a bear when I was but a child. Thankfully, I was born with the strength of two bears and was able to fight it off with my bare hands and a spatula.
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